Recently, as I looked around the room where family and friends had come to say good bye to a sweet, promising twenty two year old young man I wondered what had taken him to a place where he felt so lost and tortured that he would end his own life. As I looked around at the hundreds of people mourning the loss, the heartbreak and broken souls that he left behind I wondered if he knew how much he was truly loved. The answer to the first question will never be answered; the answer to the second is yes. I know that he felt the love of his family. I am sure he knew how much his parents loved him, I am sure he knew how much his siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends loved him. I know this because I know them.
So that leaves me with the question of what made him feel so tortured, why was he so desperate to leave those who loved him so dearly? Was it something that had gone on for a while or something that happened recently? Would it have helped if he'd had someone to talk to or was his mind made up to where no one could have talked him out of ending his own life? My biggest question is why, why didn't he reach out to those who love him? I know that he felt their love and knew they loved him. What happened in those last few hours of his life to make him so desperate?
These are questions that well, will never be answered. Suicide is surrounded by a lot of "why did you do this?" and "What could I have done? " The sad thing is that there is nothing that a person can do for another if he or she doesn't reach out. Another point is that we can't live our lives worrying whether or not those we love will end their own lives because then none of us are truly living. So that said, we are back to that one question, why? I think that in reality those who have lost a loved one to suicide must eventually let go of the question of why and instead say "how, how do I move on?' Is that easy? Oh no, it is the hardest thing a person can do, we want to know why. But, the person who left us just did not leave a reason sometimes. Even if there is a visible reason, there's still the question...why?
When I was only twenty-two myself I lost my brother in law to suicide. A year before I had lost my father-in-law to suicide but his was more "justifiable" if you will because he had been very ill for ten years, was not going to get better and we understood why he wanted out of the severe pain he was in. My brother in law was another story. With him though there was an answer to why, in a small way but yet not an answer to why.
My brother in law was only twenty-five but at that young age he was an alcoholic. He was married with a five year old son and one month old daughter. He did have anger issues and troubled marriage. But none of that led us to believe or fathom the thought that he might end his own life. I don't think anyone I've known who lost a loved one to suicide had a clue that would happen.
The night my brother in law ended his own life will always be clear in my mind. He had been fighting with his wife, he was drunk and his wife being a young person called my husband and other family members because he was also violent. They went over to his house and long story short, he was mad, went into the bedroom while his five year old son and one month old daughter slept in their beds next to his room, while his mom, brother, grandmother and wife sat in the living room, and shot himself. I always thought maybe if he hadn't had the access to the gun and could have slept off his anger maybe he would not have done what he did. But it is hard to say. In the end he might have taken his own life. I don't always think it is depression that causes someone to commit suicide. I honestly believe in my brother in laws instance it was anger, he was mad at his family and was going to "show them". He was drunk and not thinking clearly and did not realize that the decision he was making was forever and he could not take it back.
I had been very close to my brother in law. We were good friends and I asked why many times over the years. Why he hadn't thought more about what he was going to do, why he decided to leave those who loved him and yes I asked many times why he did something to selfish. I was angry for many years and why, why, why made me even more angry. I watched his mom's heart break and watched the torture she went through for a long time over the loss of her son. Not just the loss that a mother feels from losing a child but the guilt that is left behind when the son ends his own life. The why, what could I have done guilt that can take years to come to terms with. She finally did but only after she let go of the whys and the guilt because there was nothing that she could have done.
I must say I don't think of the why with my brother in law as much as I used to. Sometimes the why comes up but time has helped me cope with the loss. My loss was not that of a child which I have been told is the worst loss of all. I believe leaving why and guilt behind is harder when it is the loss of a child.
So that brings me back to the present time. In the last few years I have known many people who have ended their own lives. Three of them were not young. They were fathers who shocked the community when they ended their lives. Two of the others have been young kids. All of the losses have brought with them the question of why. As I think of my cousin today, my heart aches for my cousins, aunts, uncles, his parents and his many friends. I have wondered why, as I looked around at the funeral I wondered why, today I feel like crying and feel weary because it is so hard to understand and I know my family is heartbroken and trying to figure out why. It will be a while before they leave why behind and ask how to move on.
Somehow in one instant that person you love decides to end his or her own life, to leave those they love. Their mind is so tortured at that point in time that they just don't see any other way out. There is no way however that others can help them if they do not ask for help, if they don't reach out. So that is where the why has to stop because there is nothing that a loved one could have done for the person who is tortured, if there were signs that were missed, well there's nothing that can be done after the fact so learning how to move on is the only thing that a person can do. It is the only way to cope. Is it easy? Not by any means. It is the most difficult thing in the world.
My hope as I looked around that room during the funeral of my young cousin watching all of the sorrow and heartbreak, is that those who were there stop and look at all of the people whose hearts are breaking over the loss of this young man. I hope they stop and think of all who love them, all who would hurt if they were to end their own life? I hope that anyone who feels so much despair and so tortured will stop to pause and remember the sorrow that their loss will cause, look at the sorrow this young man's loss has caused. If even one person loves you, it will break their heart if you are gone and I beg anyone who is that sad to reach out and find a way to move past the despair because the family will never be able to move past their loss. They will move on in time and will learn to live again but the light you shined in their life will be gone and my hope is that maybe thinking of that in the moment of sorrow will stop one person from ending his or her own life.
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