Why I Hate My Birthday

     For many years I have completely and totally hated my birthday. I get depressed and sad a few days before it comes and just have this sick, dreadful feeling the morning of my birthday. No I don't feel this doom and gloom at getting another year older while yes getting another year older is not a plus, there is much more to it than that.

     It may seem silly to some and well there are times that it is silly to me but, the reasons I hate my birthday are real and honest feelings and many times I find myself crying for the better part of the day wishing it would just hurry up and end.

     When I got married I had these expectations that my birthday, the day that I was brought into this world would be celebrated by my then husband. I had this fantasy that he would either take me out to dinner, or make a nice meal and celebrate the birth of my life like I was something important. I mean, my friends husbands do that, my friends are celebrated on their birthdays so I hoped for the same. 

     I never wanted much for my birthday in regards to things. A plant or flowers or simply a card that told me how much I was loved. Something to show that I was important and I was special. I never got even a "Happy Birthday" From my husband. In the 20 years I was married to him, he did not remember.  I pretended like it didn't bother me but, it did. It hurt and it made me sad. It showed me how unimportant I was to him and was also an indication of the lack of love he had for me.

     All of those years sort of conditioned me to feel sad when it was time for my birthday because I still had expectations. I still wanted that party my friends family threw for them, wanted the recognition, I wanted to feel like I was special and loved. Maybe partly because my husband always made me feel like I didn't deserve love...who knows why people become conditioned into needing more signs of affection than they really should.

     Not to say that I did not have some enjoyable times, my mom always remembered and we got together, my dad remembered and when my grandparents were alive we had cake for my special day. That was fun and special to me and memories I cherish. 

     Over the years though we didn't  do much for my day anymore. I thought when I had kids I would get flowers or cards or something, or maybe even just them spending time with me. Actually now that is all I really want. Even if it is just for a while to make me an important part of their lives but they do good to remember.

     I had hoped something special might happen for my 50th, I mean that is a milestone and my friends were posting all of these pic trues of the surprise parties they received for their day on Facebook. I hoped that something special would happen on mine but, it came and it went with little ado about nothing. 

     As I write about it though it does sound silly and like I expect too much. Maybe I do, I don't know. I really don't think so, I just want to know that I'm loved. I want to know that my ex husband was wrong and that I deserve to be loved. I want to stop feeling this deep sadness and sorrow each year when my birthday rolls around and not to spend the day in tears because it is a disappointment. 

     I am not even sure this explains why I hate my birthday, I don't even know if I know for sure why I hate it so much and if maybe I expect way too much. Maybe there is a reader out there who identifies with me who can give me some advice how to not let the day bother me so much. 

     Thankfully my birthday is over for this year. I did get a lot of well wishes on Facebook and I do appreciate those. I didn't get to do anything fun that day and didn't even get a good meal which was depressing at the time.  I just want to find a way not to feel so down and dreary when my birthday comes around next year but am not sure how that will happen. I think the key is that somehow I must stop expecting my day to be as special to others as others birthdays are special to their families. I have to stop thinking that the fact that my day of birth is not a big deal to those I love does not mean that I'm unimportant to them and until I realize deep inside that I have and deserve their love I will be depressed on my birthday and hate the day.

What if it Happened to Your Child?

     I don't usually ask for help but I am asking now. My son has been wrongfully arrested and his constitutional rights violated in more ways than one. He is taking this to a vivil court and plans to sue the state and county for those violations. In the mean time though he needs a regular lawyer who will stand up to the judge in our county who seems to be power hungry and does not care about justice. We cannot afford an attorney so have a public defender who has done nothing to help my son's case. So I am asking my writing friends to help us come up with the money for a good lawyer. We found one but he is $2,000.00. Anything anyone can donate will help us out. Once we file the civil suit and if we win we will pay you back. To help us out go to paypal and my paypal account is kmiller1963@q.com I thank you in advance for any help you offer. But I understand people do not like to just give money out so I am posting the details of what happened here and you can decide if you want to help us out or not. I will warn you, it is a long read. Again thank-you for reading and helping if you are able. If you are not able to help financially prayers and positive vibes are appreciated.

     Please don't share this on my personal wall. I am trying to keep this low profile in my community until the civil case is filed. Feel free however to share with your writing friends. 

 Wed January 13, 2016

Kyle’s Statement:

     My mom and I ate dinner, then we played Chinese checkers until around 9:30. I told my mom I was going to go fill up my car. That was around 10 I think. I decided to go for a drive and drove down Oak Street to G and then was going to go to the highway, to Handymart and home. However, not long after I turned off on road G my tires started sliding and I lost control. I went into the bar ditch. I was not speeding so I just kind of drove off into the ditch. I could not get my brakes to work and could not get my steering wheel to turn. It all happened so fast that I just do not know exactly what happened other than it felt like I hit ice and lost control.

     I called my mom and told her I was in the ditch stuck in 3 feet of snow.

     My mom said she would call the insurance company to call for a tow truck. She called me later telling me she had called them and was on her way to pick me up until they called to say they were on the way.

A state patrol officer arrived, when I saw his lights I was somewhat glad because I thought maybe he could help. He told me to get into his car where it was warm.

     When I stepped out of my car the officer asked if I had been drinking or using drugs, he said he did not smell anything and he did not think I was under the influence but he had to ask. I told him no.

I got into the officers car, and we sat there while he ran my license and insurance. It was about 5 to 10 minutes. Long enough for him to run them. Then my mom arrived and he got out of the car to go talk to her.

     While he was gone, I took a puff of my Pro- air inhaler. When he got back in the car he said he smelled alcohol and asked if I would be willing to take a breath test. I said ok but it will not read right because my inhaler has alcohol and they throw off the breathalyzers.  I also told him that the inhaler smells of alcohol. I took the test and blew .083 He asked me if I had anything to drink at all during the day and made it sound like I would not be arrested if I said yes so I told him I had something earlier in the day. H asked how much and I told him a drink about 5 hours before.

     Then he told me to get out of the car and take roadside sobriety tests. He never gave me a choice, he told me to do them.  It was very cold outside, the temperature in his car read -3 at one point. It was around 10:45 when I started the test. I did several of them then he had me get back into the car. Then he had me get out again to perform more. It was as if he was making me take more and more so I could fail one. I was scared to death, I have anxiety attacks and was having a panic attack, plus I was shaking like crazy due to the cold. Then he put me back in the car and said to sit down for a bit. The he pulled me out of the car and told me based on the test he was going to arrest me for DUI. He cuffed me and put me back into the car without reading me my rights. He never read me my rights.

     He asked me what medicines I take and I told him that I am on several, I named them and one is Zanax but I told him I don’t take them anymore.

     He went over to talk to my mom and then she came over to the car. My mom stopped and talked to me and I asked her to come to the jail to get me. She said she would. She said something to the officer about the inhaler and he handed it to her, she sprayed it near his face and told him it smells like alcohol. I asked for a puff of it and he let me have two. That was the last time I was able to use my inhaler. This was around 11:30 PM

     We sat and waited for the tow truck for a while and he told me I needed to take a chemical test and if I refused then he said “you will lose your license and we will take your car.” I told him I demanded an attorney. I told him I wanted a lawyer and was not going to do or say anything else until I saw a lawyer. He told me that I cannot have a lawyer. As I was sitting in the car I thought of my responsibilities, school, my play and so I agreed to a test because I knew I would pass it. I asked for the blood test because of what the first breath test blew and I knew it was wrong so I did not want to take another one that would be wrong.

     The officer told me the breath test is immediate but blood would take a while, but the officer made it sound like I could go home and not be booked if I agreed to the test and blew zero at the jail. I was concerned that the breath tests would be wrong again and just wanted to go home. The officer told me I could go home as soon as I blew zero at the jail.  I figured the blood test would only take a day or two. I did say repeatedly that I wanted a lawyer. (I don’t know any of this and needed one to protect my rights as a citizen of the United States) we left the scene around 12:00 and went to the hospital for the blood test.  While there the nurse drew the blood and put a label on it, it was not flipped over or mixed at all. That took just a little bit of time, then we went to the police station around 12:30 AM January 14, 2016, and sat there maybe 5 or 10 minutes and then they took a picture of me, patted me down, and took a breath test. I blew zero. I kept asking when I could go all this time and still demanding a lawyer.

     When I blew zero the officer said that was weird, he said, “It shouldn’t have left your system that fast.” He filled out the report, told me he charged me with open container and careless driving.  He had told me earlier that he most likely would not give me a ticket for going into the ditch. The new charges were as if he was just trying to add things to this weak case. He gave me a copy and left.

     Many times when I asked for a lawyer he would tell me that it doesn’t’ work that way. This was after he cuffed me and DID NOT read me my rights.

     The jailer processed me and I asked several times if I could make a phone call, I had given up on the attorney at this point. The jailer said I could not make a phone call. Then I asked for my inhaler a couple of times and he told me he couldn’t give it to me because the proper labeling and prescription was not with it (the box it came in and prescription) who carries that stuff around?  The inhaler does have ingredients and labeling on the medicine cartridge itself. The jailer said he would ask the SSgt though. Then he put me in a cell for an hour. At one point, I knocked on the door and asked when I could make a phone call and if I could have my inhaler. He said the SSgt said no but he would ask again. He pulled me out to fingerprint me and I asked for my inhaler again. I told him I could not breathe. He said he was sorry but he can’t give it to me. I told him I wanted to go to the hospital then and he said I’d have to have $1000.00 to pay, I told him I have insurance and he said it does not cover if you are incarcerated. He also said he would ask the SSgt because they will only take me if they think I need to go.

     He put me back in the cell. I asked for a phone call again and he said no. I waited there 2 or 3 hours. For a part of that time I seriously thought I might die because I could not breathe. I have never been denied my medicine when I have asthma attacks. I was scared to death and panicking because I am also claustrophobic. I finally laid down on the mat they give you to lay on the cold hard floor and laid very still telling myself to relax. I still struggled to breathe but it helped some.  I still never got my phone call or my lawyer.

     I was released Thursday at 5:30 AM January 14, 2016. My mom had to get a bail bondsman to bail me out. I was starting to wonder if I was every going to get out because they would not let me use the phone to call.

     Since this arrest I have learned a lot about my rights and the officer never told me if I had agreed to a breath test and it blew zero when we got there I would not even be charged, he did not tell me that I would be charged no matter what if I take the blood test because it is not immediate. I knew I was not drunk and figured if their machine worked right, I would go home.  This was why I wanted and demanded a lawyer many times before AND AFTER I was arrested. I wanted someone there to protect my rights and me.

Kim’s (mom) Side

     Kyle and I ate dinner and played Chinese checkers, 3 games. Then around 10, he said he was going to get gas. It was not even 15 minutes until he called and told me he had run off into a ditch. So I told him I would call the insurance and get the tow arranged, then I would come get him. I wanted to get all of that rolling. Once I got it arranged I called to tell him I was on my way.

     When I got to Kyle and his car, I saw the police lights and was glad there was an officer there. Then I would not have to worry about things. The tow company had just called to say they were on their way too.

     The officer walked up to my car and I asked where Kyle was. He told me in his car keeping warm. We looked at the car and talked about how stuck it was. Then I said something to the effect that Kyle could come wait with me. He told me that he needed to wait around to see if there were any damages to Kyle’s car.  I asked him if Kyle was going to get a ticket and he told me that depended on if the car had damages or not. I told him it is all beat up and old and he said he would see if there were any new damages. He said if there are then he will call it an accident and had to issue a ticket.  He told me to get back into my car.

     I watched his car and all the sudden he had Kyle out doing roadside sobriety tests. I was surprised because he was not drunk and had not been drinking at the house. My first thought was his inhaler and how I tell him he smells like booze even when we are in the car and I know he has just used it. It smells like alcohol for a while after he uses it. I also was wondering how in the heck he could pass a test in that freezing weather and add to that his anxiety.  As for the weather, I was shaking violently while I was talking to the officer.

     The tow truck came and I talked to them. Then I saw them cuff Kyle and the officer came over to me and told me Kyle blew.082 and he was taking him in for DUI because of that and he failed some of the tests. I made a comment about how I could not pass them in the cold. I went with him to the car to get Kyle’s things and talked to Kyle. While we were at the back of the car I saw Kyle’s inhaler and squirted it in the officer’s face to show him how it smells like booze, he did not comment. Then I went to talk to Kyle and he asked me to get him at the jail. I said I would. Then he asked for a puff of the inhaler and also said the cuffs were too tight and asked if they could be loosened.  I went back to my car because I was shaking violently from the cold again and never saw if they loosened his cuffs.

     The officer and tow driver told me they would have to impound Kyle’s car. I told them that I work out of town and asked if they could just bring it to my house. They decided to bring it to my house. I never saw the officer look in the car.

     The tow driver needed me to move because two of them had to get Kyle’s car out because of how it was stuck. It was on an incline and they did not want to tip it over. So I moved behind the cop cars. (another officer had shown up at some point) the arresting officer came to my car around 12 and told me he was going to take Kyle to get a blood test. He said he finally convinced Kyle that was what he needed to do or something like that. I asked how long it would take and he said it would all take about 40 minutes and then I could pick him up at the jail.

     He got back into his car and I never saw him get out again. He left about 10 min later.

     I waited for the tow truck to get the car out. The other officer said he needed to stick around to see if the car was damaged. So once it was on the tow truck I went home and they brought it home. I looked it over in the dark and could see no new scratches. The tow driver said there were some but with all the mud I do not know how they could tell. (I looked the next day and there are no new scratches on the car.)

     Once the car was at the house I went to the jail. This was around 12:40 AM Jan 14. The jailer did not even know who Kyle was and told me once they get him there it may take an hour or more to book him because if he gets busy he has to do something else. So, I went home and called in 40 minutes. Kyle was there but they said they hadn’t booked him yet. He was in a holding cell waiting to be processed. I asked if he could have Kyle call me when that was done and he told me that he can’t tell Kyle to call me but if Kyle asks to make a call he can call me.  So I waited for 40 more minutes and they said it would be around 30 minutes so I said I would just come there then.

     I arrived at the jail around 3 AM and the jailer said it would be $1,000.00 bail. I about fainted. He gave me a list of bail bondsmen numbers. I called them until I reached one. The bail bondsman said he had to be blowing zero before they would release him so I needed to find out if he was. When I asked the man who answered the intercom said he blew zero when he got there. So I asked why he was even booked and he said that is not his call. I went to get money and the bondsman had the paper work started. He finally got there at 4 Am and this all took until around 5:30.

     They handed me Kyle’s inhaler and gave him his driver’s license. The officer did not pull it.

We had to pay $150.00 for bail and $40.00 court fees.

     On Friday the 15^th Kyle went to his hearing and was told he has to take random drug and alcohol tests as a part of the pre-trial process. This is all before he has been convicted of anything. This is a complete violation of his rights.

     Kyle said the jail was horrible, they have mats on the cold floor, they have a toilet that does not work and it is cold and awful. It was a very terrifying experience for him.

     On Thursday Kyle had to call a taxi to go to school and such because his car would not start because he was not able to start his car because the battery had died and he was not home to charge it.

On January 16 Saturday Kyle had to go in to drug test, it was humiliating and horrible. He had to undress completely. This is all for someone who has not yet been proven guilty of a crime. This is a complete violation of rights. The drug and alcohol tests are usually a part of the sentence once you are found guilty. This is saying he is guilty and has to prove his innocence, which is a complete violation of his rights.

Since this we have learned a lot about how things work. Kyle should have just went with the breath test and it would have all been settled at the jail and over.

     The careless driving is bogus because he hit ice. The officer said there was no ice but I drove the road tonight Jan 15 to see and I saw a small area that could be black ice late at night. It was a wet area during the day. If you were to hit it just right it could send you out of control.  I took a picture for proof. Also, the snow was way over the shoulder and Kyle tends to drive close to the shoulder to be safe on the narrow roads. He might have hit an icy patch there and was sent into the ditch. His car was not damaged at all.

The open container is bogus because Kyle came home and saw no alcohol container in his car. It was full of root beer bottles, soda cans and those raspberry lemonade cans as well as Monster drinks. No alcoholic containers.

     Kyle asked for an attorney several times before and after his arrest.  He consented to the blood test because he was coerced, the officer threatened him and he was scared. If he had a lawyer, he would have known what to do. He would have taken his chances on the breath test again because he would not have used his inhaler for a while.

     He was never given a phone call and was denied his inhaler, which is a life or death thing. He could die if he can’t breathe and the jail had no right to deny him the medicine he needs to sustain his breath and survive.

His rights were again violated in court when the judge passed sentence on him by ordering the drug and alcohol testing before he is found guilty. He now has to stay around town, has to be a slave to the phone and call in and that is a violation of his constitutional rights. All he did wrong was use his inhaler and hit an icy patch sending him into a ditch.

     This entire experience has traumatized Kyle. Being arrested, taking the sobriety tests, not being able to make a call, being denied life sustaining medicine and being humiliated by taking his clothes off for a drug and alcohol urine test before he has even been proven guilty.

     His rights are also violated because he can’t leave town when he wants to and is a prisoner to the drug test. He also has to take his pants off and pee in front of someone for the drug test. That is a violation of his right to privacy when he has done nothing wrong. They also expect him to pay for the drug tests, which is another violation of his constitutional rights. 

February 19, 2016

     Kyle called and his blood results are still not in. He was told it could take up to 4 months. This is another violation because he has the right to a speedy trial and it is not his fault they are slow. The officer never told him it would take so long.  On Tuesday he is going to tell them they have nothing against him and need to drop the case.

February 23, 2016

     Kyle went to court to set a date for a trial but when he went before the judge she said that he had not called in to the pre-trial testing twice, once on Feb 13 and the other time on Feb 16. He told her that his phone has been acting up and his lawyer attested to that fact because she had trouble getting in touch with him but the judge said sent him to jail and said the bond is 1500.00. They took Kyle to jail, I bailed him out. Then he told me that he only missed calling on one time and it was a Tuesday so he didn’t worry about it because they never have him come in on Tuesday and the other time, the 16th he called in and went in and tested but the testing facility failed to let the courts know.  He has not paid the court for these “services” and the bail bondsman said that is why he was sent to jail most likely but the judge can’t say that because it is against the law to send someone to jail for not paying that so she found another reason to send him to jail.

The main rub in all of this is that he did nothing wrong, he has not been found guilty of anything so should not be going to the drug tests. He is being treated like a criminal when he has done nothing wrong.

     The fact that his blood results are not back also shows that the courts are not doing their job. The judge was mad about some results that were not back regarding a case today when they were taken Feb 5. Kyle’s are much older than that but she never batted an eye that his results are not in.

     Kyle‘s court date is not until April 18. Until then he will have to succumb to the pre-trial punishment or be placed in jail. 

My Battle With Emotophobia

     I recently wrote about Emotophobia giving a small glimpse into my battle with this phobia. Now I will tell more about how it effects me personally.

     For as long as I remember I have been unusually afraid of throwing up. I don't just like it, I fear it. I feel the same fear of throwing up as I feel of clowns. I literally shake all over if I think I might vomit. When I was a child I would cry.

     Luckily I have not thrown up a lot in my adult years but that does not mean I have not been nauseated. Trust me I have. But, I will walk all night, I will eat soda crackers and well, if my stomach is the least bit icky feeling, I won't eat. I do eat a lot of jello if I am feeling nauseated and soda crackers work great too.

     I always worried about getting pregnant and the morning sickness part of it. When I was pregnant I was sicker than a dog but never threw up. I would fight it then too, shaking all over and sometimes even breaking out in a cold sweat. 

     After my kids were born I worried about them throwing up. Now spit-up is not the same and that never bothered me as much. But as my oldest son got older I worried. He never really got sick but when my second son came along I was introduced to child vomiting. He was one of those kids who would gag and lose his meal. He finally stopped that. I would have to turn away when he got sick and then I could clean it up.

     Both of my kids got stomach bugs a few times. It was a scary time for me. Thy did learn early that they woudl have to get sick in their bucket and then call for me, I would come and take care of things. If they missed the bucket and I had to clean up a mess I would literally throw all the bedding in the washer without getting anything off of it.  I would then worry for several days about getting the stomach bug myself. I would eat very bland food if I ate at all until I felt the danger had passed.

     My poor kids, when they would get sick, even if it was not a stomach bug, I would ask them constantly how they felt. I would worry that they might get sick to their stomachs and want to make sure it was not a stomach bug. I would not let them eat anything that might be upsetting to their stomach until I felt the fear of them vomiting was gone. Yes, I worried for days and nights that I might get sick too.

     I will not take any medicine that says it might cause nausea and when I had my knee surgery I would not take Morphine because it made my aunt throw up. 

    I cannot stand to see someone randomly barf on a TV show and will close my eyes if the character even acts sick. I also plug my ears when I am in the restroom and someone is getting sick. I just can't handle it. It is not like I just don't like it. I find it so hard to explain but it is a fear so deep inside me that I just want to run away or cry. 

     I even get a bit sick to my stomach when someone tells me they have been ill in a phone conversation. Yes even the social network posts people put up about being ill put me in a panic. Like I can catch it through cyber space. Irrational, yes, real panic, certainly. 

     For many years I wondered if I was the only one in the world who had this fear of vomiting, then I found out other people fear it too. My phobia is still there but at least now I know that I am not alone in it. 

To find out more about this phobia: Emotophobia

Emetophobia: The Irrational Fear of Throwing Up

     The TV character Monk has many phobias. He is afraid of frogs, heights, milk, and just about everything imaginable. It is comical to watch him deal with his phobias. However, many people suffer from phobias for real. It is not comical in reality. Some of the most common phobias are fear of spiders (arachnophobia), fear of heights (acrophobia), Fear of lightning and thunder (astraphobia), and fear of enclosed spaces (claustrophobia). Everyone is afraid of something. However, a phobia is the irrational fear of something. When a person has a phobia, they become very anxious. Sometimes they cannot even function normally when the thing they are afraid of is presented to them. A more uncommon phobia is emetophobia, fear of vomit. No one likes to vomit. However, those who have emetophobia can become physically ill because of their phobia.

     A person who has emetophobia has an irrational fear of other people vomiting or vomiting themselves. This person can be perfectly well, but will become ill when he or she hears that someone else has a stomachache. This person will actually avoid certain situations for fear of becoming ill. For example, a person with emetophobia will go out of his or her way to avoid people who have a stomach virus. A mom who has children who are ill will stress over the fact that her kids might throw up. People with emetophobia will fight the need to throw up themselves and sometimes become weak and shaky if he or she thinks that might happen.

     Those who suffer from emetophobia will usually be uncommonly aware of food sell by dates and will not eat or drink food that might be outdated. Some emetophobiacs are also germophobes because they do not want to get sick. They ask others how they feel quite frequently and worry if someone they know is ill. Emetophobiacs are extremely paranoid and can even become ill when talking to someone on the phone who is suffering from a stomach bug. If an emetophobiacs child actually is ill he or she will ask the child over and over again how he or she is. It is not just a concern. It is an obsession where the emetophobiac is concerned.

     If an emetophobiac is in the restroom while someone else is getting sick he or she will rush as fast as possible to leave the restroom and worry for days whether or not he or she is going to get sick too. For example, I have emetophobia and I used to use the public restroom at work because it is next to the kitchen, where I work. One time while I was in the restroom stall, one of the kids came in. She was sobbing. I asked her what was wrong. She said her tummy hurt. I said I was sorry as I quickly finished up. I left the room as fast as I could in a panic. Then I worried for several days that I might get ill, to the point of sleepless nights. I stopped using that that restroom. I walked down the hall to the staff restroom, which was much more inconvenient.

     Just as with any other fear or phobia there is a cause for emetophobia. However, it is not clearly defined. It could be that the person with emetophobia had a traumatic experience with someone being ill at one time or another. It could also be that a person has had a bad experience when he or she was ill. Possibly, there was a big trauma involved with being sick. In my own experience with the illness, I am not sure what caused me to be so afraid of throwing up. I have always been afraid of throwing up from as far back as I remember. I remember when I would get a stomachache as a child I would literally shake all over. My mom would comfort me and tell me it would be alright but I was still petrified. I still feel the same way and will walk around and do whatever it takes to prevent throwing up. I also still get shaky and panic when I feel nauseated.

     This phobia can have a strong effect on the quality of the sufferer's life. There is treatment however. A person can use self-help techniques or therapy. With self-help it is important that the emetophobiac faces his or her fear head on. That is not always easy. It is easiest for people to avoid things they are afraid of. With emetophobia a person using self help would need as much exposure to someone who is vomiting as possible. The fear will hopefully diminish with exposure. Eventually this might lead to the realization that there is really nothing to be afraid of. If self-help does not work then it is best to seek therapy.

     Next post I will write more about my experiences with this phobia.

References:

Segal, J. Phobias and Fears. www.helpguide.org

Veale, D. Emetophobia Specific Phobia of Vomiting www.overcominghealth.com

Putting things in Perspective: How Social Networking Can Make You Feel Unloved

     Sometimes the things we struggle with are not that huge, they are actually rather small but, they are still struggles to us and they may not make life difficult but they do make for difficult moments in life. One said struggle for me is feeling unloved and alone. Yes I know that I am loved, truly I do but sometimes I feel like I am not. But the only time I really feel that way is when I am on Facebook.

     So you wonder why I would say this well, there are many times I log on to Facebook, to my own wall, hoping to see a lot of likes and comments on the things I post. I am disappointed however to find that there are very few likes or comments on the things I post. When I see this I instantly feel like no one notices me and like no one cares. Is this silly, is it untrue? Well of course it is, but is it a real feeling? The answer is "yes"

     I go to other people's walls and notice a lot of comments and likes to what they post on Facebook which makes me feel even more unloved. I wonder why my friends have friends who care so much about them and what they have to say while mine don't give a whip about what I have to say and well, about me.

     To put it all in perspective though, and it is important to do because if you don't it can consume you and make you feel depression. I wonder if that is why so many young people, and older ones as well, are depressed and committing suicide. I wonder sometimes if people put too much emphasis on social networking and it's meaning and worth. I know if I let myself, and did not put it all in perspective, I might be the same way. I might get depressed and let that depression consume me.

     Back to putting it in perspective, something I did this morning as I looked at Facebook feeling invisible and alone... I thought hard about it and realize that many people most likely are just busy living life in their real world. Many of them might be too busy to like what I post on Facebook or to keep in touch with me online. I know that I have been busy lately and not been much of a social networking friend.

     Another thought is that many of my posts might not show up on each of my friends walls. Facebook is strange and things move around fast. If everyone else is like me, they don't go to each friends wall to see what is happening, they just don't have time.

     So putting it all into perspective I realize that it is important to know that Facebook is online networking, it cannot take the place of actual friendships and that I am loved and I do have people in my life who love and care for me. I am not going to let a silent computer screen if you will, dictate my mood. Yes I have been guilty of doing that in the past. It is time to cherish the real relationships in life and to focus on them. I notice a difference in how I feel when my time on social networking is limited. I feel happier  and more satisfied with life.

     I hope those in this world who are depressed and sad will really stop to think and ask themselves if they are depressed about their real world or the social networking world. It is a difficult one, more difficult than the real one in my opinion. It can make you feel unwanted and unloved when there are many who love you in the real world. Keeping it all in perspective will prevent social networking from determining your worth and making you feel unloved. 

How I Manage My OCD So it No Longer Effects My Daily Life

I wrote earlier about my OCD regarding turning things off and such. I still have that battle but have learned how to calm it down so that it does not effect my daily life. It was a long process but, it worked.

One day while I was watching a talk show, back when I watched those many years ago, there was an episode on OCD and self help on how to calm it down. I watched with a little trepidation but took it all in none-the less.  I tried it and well, it worked!

The first thing you do is talk loudly to yourself as you are completing tasks that OCD requires you complete over and over again. Since I checked my coffee pot, doors, curlers etc every time I went to complete the task I said to myself " I am now turning off the stove" or "I am now locking the door." this told my brain that I had done those tasks. I did this for everything and felt like quite a fool doing it. After several weeks though I noticed that I was able to only do those things one time and then move on with my day. I no longer felt the strong need to check things over and over again.

The next step of the process was to whisper the commands to myself and then say them silently in my head. In time I actually would not feel the need to check anything more than once. What a relief.

I did discover though that I was not cured, I revert back to those tendencies still but only when I am very stressed in life. I have learned throughout the years what my stress triggers are and when I feel extra stressed I talk myself through things as I do them which helps prevent those tasks from becoming life altering.

I still have episodes of OCD but am thankful I know how to manage them. I know my stress triggers which are triggers that were present the last years of my marriage. One of those triggers is my ex husband so I try to avoid contact with him as much as possible. At the present time that is not possible so I have to talk to myself a lot.

I don't think people are ever cured of OCD but there are ways to manage the symptoms.

Suicide:Letting Go of Why and Asking How to Move on

I wrote this article the day after my first cousins son took his own life. This weighed heavy on my mind, I am a writer so, I wrote.

     Recently, as I looked around the room where family and friends had come to say good bye to a sweet, promising twenty two year old young man I wondered what had taken him to a place where he felt so lost and tortured that he would end his own life. As I looked around at the hundreds of people mourning the loss, the heartbreak and broken souls that he left behind I wondered if he knew how much he was truly loved. The answer to the first question will never be answered; the answer to the second is yes. I know that he felt the love of his family. I am sure he knew how much his parents loved him, I am sure he knew how much his siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends loved him. I know this because I know them.

     So that leaves me with the question of what made him feel so tortured, why was he so desperate to leave those who loved him so dearly? Was it something that had gone on for a while or something that happened recently? Would it have helped if he'd had someone to talk to or was his mind made up to where no one could have talked him out of ending his own life? My biggest question is why, why didn't he reach out to those who love him? I know that he felt their love and knew they loved him. What happened in those last few hours of his life to make him so desperate?

     These are questions that well, will never be answered. Suicide is surrounded by a lot of "why did you do this?" and "What could I have done? " The sad thing is that there is nothing that a person can do for another if he or she doesn't reach out. Another point is that we can't live our lives worrying whether or not those we love will end their own lives because then none of us are truly living. So that said, we are back to that one question, why? I think that in reality those who have lost a loved one to suicide must eventually let go of the question of why and instead say "how, how do I move on?' Is that easy? Oh no, it is the hardest thing a person can do, we want to know why. But, the person who left us just did not leave a reason sometimes. Even if there is a visible reason, there's still the question...why?

     When I was only twenty-two myself I lost my brother in law to suicide. A year before I had lost my father-in-law to suicide but his was more "justifiable" if you will because he had been very ill for ten years, was not going to get better and we understood why he wanted out of the severe pain he was in. My brother in law was another story. With him though there was an answer to why, in a small way but yet not an answer to why.

     My brother in law was only twenty-five but at that young age he was an alcoholic. He was married with a five year old son and one month old daughter. He did have anger issues and troubled marriage. But none of that led us to believe or fathom the thought that he might end his own life. I don't think anyone I've known who lost a loved one to suicide had a clue that would happen.

     The night my brother in law ended his own life will always be clear in my mind. He had been fighting with his wife, he was drunk and his wife being a young person called my husband and other family members because he was also violent. They went over to his house and long story short, he was mad, went into the bedroom while his five year old son and one month old daughter slept in their beds next to his room, while his mom, brother, grandmother and wife sat in the living room, and shot himself. I always thought maybe if he hadn't had the access to the gun and could have slept off his anger maybe he would not have done what he did. But it is hard to say. In the end he might have taken his own life. I don't always think it is depression that causes someone to commit suicide. I honestly believe in my brother in laws instance it was anger, he was mad at his family and was going to "show them". He was drunk and not thinking clearly and did not realize that the decision he was making was forever and he could not take it back.

     I had been very close to my brother in law. We were good friends and I asked why many times over the years. Why he hadn't thought more about what he was going to do, why he decided to leave those who loved him and yes I asked many times why he did something to selfish. I was angry for many years and why, why, why made me even more angry. I watched his mom's heart break and watched the torture she went through for a long time over the loss of her son. Not just the loss that a mother feels from losing a child but the guilt that is left behind when the son ends his own life. The why, what could I have done guilt that can take years to come to terms with. She finally did but only after she let go of the whys and the guilt because there was nothing that she could have done.

     I must say I don't think of the why with my brother in law as much as I used to. Sometimes the why comes up but time has helped me cope with the loss. My loss was not that of a child which I have been told is the worst loss of all. I believe leaving why and guilt behind is harder when it is the loss of a child.

     So that brings me back to the present time. In the last few years I have known many people who have ended their own lives. Three of them were not young. They were fathers who shocked the community when they ended their lives. Two of the others have been young kids. All of the losses have brought with them the question of why. As I think of my cousin today, my heart aches for my cousins, aunts, uncles, his parents and his many friends. I have wondered why, as I looked around at the funeral I wondered why, today I feel like crying and feel weary because it is so hard to understand and I know my family is heartbroken and trying to figure out why. It will be a while before they leave why behind and ask how to move on.

     Somehow in one instant that person you love decides to end his or her own life, to leave those they love. Their mind is so tortured at that point in time that they just don't see any other way out. There is no way however that others can help them if they do not ask for help, if they don't reach out. So that is where the why has to stop because there is nothing that a loved one could have done for the person who is tortured, if there were signs that were missed, well there's nothing that can be done after the fact so learning how to move on is the only thing that a person can do. It is the only way to cope. Is it easy? Not by any means. It is the most difficult thing in the world.

     My hope as I looked around that room during the funeral of my young cousin watching all of the sorrow and heartbreak, is that those who were there stop and look at all of the people whose hearts are breaking over the loss of this young man. I hope they stop and think of all who love them, all who would hurt if they were to end their own life? I hope that anyone who feels so much despair and so tortured will stop to pause and remember the sorrow that their loss will cause, look at the sorrow this young man's loss has caused. If even one person loves you, it will break their heart if you are gone and I beg anyone who is that sad to reach out and find a way to move past the despair because the family will never be able to move past their loss. They will move on in time and will learn to live again but the light you shined in their life will be gone and my hope is that maybe thinking of that in the moment of sorrow will stop one person from ending his or her own life.