It may seem silly to some and well there are times that it is silly to me but, the reasons I hate my birthday are real and honest feelings and many times I find myself crying for the better part of the day wishing it would just hurry up and end.
When I got married I had these expectations that my birthday, the day that I was brought into this world would be celebrated by my then husband. I had this fantasy that he would either take me out to dinner, or make a nice meal and celebrate the birth of my life like I was something important. I mean, my friends husbands do that, my friends are celebrated on their birthdays so I hoped for the same.
I never wanted much for my birthday in regards to things. A plant or flowers or simply a card that told me how much I was loved. Something to show that I was important and I was special. I never got even a "Happy Birthday" From my husband. In the 20 years I was married to him, he did not remember. I pretended like it didn't bother me but, it did. It hurt and it made me sad. It showed me how unimportant I was to him and was also an indication of the lack of love he had for me.
All of those years sort of conditioned me to feel sad when it was time for my birthday because I still had expectations. I still wanted that party my friends family threw for them, wanted the recognition, I wanted to feel like I was special and loved. Maybe partly because my husband always made me feel like I didn't deserve love...who knows why people become conditioned into needing more signs of affection than they really should.
Not to say that I did not have some enjoyable times, my mom always remembered and we got together, my dad remembered and when my grandparents were alive we had cake for my special day. That was fun and special to me and memories I cherish.
Over the years though we didn't do much for my day anymore. I thought when I had kids I would get flowers or cards or something, or maybe even just them spending time with me. Actually now that is all I really want. Even if it is just for a while to make me an important part of their lives but they do good to remember.
I had hoped something special might happen for my 50th, I mean that is a milestone and my friends were posting all of these pic trues of the surprise parties they received for their day on Facebook. I hoped that something special would happen on mine but, it came and it went with little ado about nothing.
As I write about it though it does sound silly and like I expect too much. Maybe I do, I don't know. I really don't think so, I just want to know that I'm loved. I want to know that my ex husband was wrong and that I deserve to be loved. I want to stop feeling this deep sadness and sorrow each year when my birthday rolls around and not to spend the day in tears because it is a disappointment.
I am not even sure this explains why I hate my birthday, I don't even know if I know for sure why I hate it so much and if maybe I expect way too much. Maybe there is a reader out there who identifies with me who can give me some advice how to not let the day bother me so much.
Thankfully my birthday is over for this year. I did get a lot of well wishes on Facebook and I do appreciate those. I didn't get to do anything fun that day and didn't even get a good meal which was depressing at the time. I just want to find a way not to feel so down and dreary when my birthday comes around next year but am not sure how that will happen. I think the key is that somehow I must stop expecting my day to be as special to others as others birthdays are special to their families. I have to stop thinking that the fact that my day of birth is not a big deal to those I love does not mean that I'm unimportant to them and until I realize deep inside that I have and deserve their love I will be depressed on my birthday and hate the day.
